This is a story with a happy ending, but it’s not the one I wanted…
I wish that I was writing this post, complete with a cutesy baby reveal photo, to tell the world that Phil and I were going to have a baby.
A few weeks ago, that cutesy pregnancy announcement was the plan for today. The day before Mother’s Day would have marked 12 weeks of pregnancy, when the risk of miscarriage drops significantly.
Unfortunately, that is not what this post is about. Sparing all the gory details, we went in the day before I should have been 10 weeks, on April 24th, and the doctors could not find a heartbeat. The baby measured at only 9 weeks. We had already been twice when everything with the baby seemed perfect (that little heart was beating 180 beats per minute just a week and a half before!). Here is a picture of him (I had a “hunch” it was a boy) at 7 1/2 weeks.
Two and a half weeks after this picture was taken, we cried in the ultrasound room as the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat.
I don’t ultimately want to write a sad post the day before we celebrate mothers, as they should be celebrated. But I want to take a moment to celebrate this gift we were given, and to allow our friends and family to join us on the path we are walking at the moment. Because starting on March 12th, when we got our first very faint positive pregnancy test, we celebrated life. One of my regrets is that we were so busy that we didn’t get to celebrate with as many people as we would have liked to.
When the little person growing inside me was the size of a poppy seed, we prayed for him or her. We asked for God to protect this child and to allow us to hold him or her. We prayed for him or her to know God’s love as we do. And we thanked Him for the gift of allowing us to be parents.
On this side of things, it’s hard to see how in the world our prayers mattered. Did God hear? Did He care? These are some of the honest questions that have run through my mind over these past two weeks. I still have many questions, and not many answers. But deep down, I know He is who He says He is.
And if He is who He says He is, there is hope. There is hope for today, hope for tomorrow, and hope for eternity because of Jesus. And if there is hope for eternity, I do believe that I will get to see this baby of ours again. Jeremiah 1:5 promises that God knows us before we are even formed in the womb. So I have to believe that He loves this baby far more than Phil or I ever could have. Right now, in the middle of the struggle, that is a hard truth. I’d rather be posting that cutesy photo than writing this… But, there is hope. There will be a happy ending, on that great day when all things will be made new.