He Cannot Deny Himself

I shared a few weeks ago that I’d really like to use this space to share how God has been faithful in my life. What I’ve written below is part of an assignment for class., but it is helpful in capturing the “big picture” of the particular circumstances God has used to show His faithfulness to me.

My dad died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack and stroke during my junior year of college on December 8, 2011. His death was the first major loss I had experienced in my life, and I was not sure what to do with the grief I felt. For about a month, I was numb and did not even really open my Bible except at church. It was too painful to “go there” and I did not know how my grief could meet God’s goodness.

By God’s grace, I had already planned on going to the Passion conference in Atlanta that year, so I went. It was hard (I cried most of the time) but He did a huge healing work in my heart. I started to trust Him again and realized He had never left me! 2 Timothy 2:13 reminded me of His faithfulness to me—even when I had not been faithful to Him! It was not because of my actions that He was faithful; it was because I am His!

Three and a half months later, I got a call on a Monday morning while I was in my dorm room. My stepdad was calling to tell me that my mom had died suddenly that morning. Over the next few days as I went home and we made funeral arrangements, I remember praying this prayer over and over again: “God, be faithful to me. Please be faithful to me.” Unlike the grief period following my dad’s death, I knew that I could not make it without clinging to the Lord. It was still very painful, but I knew I had to depend on Him to carry me through.

Two and a half years later, I am more convinced now than ever before that God is so, so good and faithful. He never left me, even when I was running from Him. In fact, I believe He led me to this passage before the death of my mom in order to prepare me for what was coming. He proved Himself true to His Word, and I know that He always will! Even when it does not “feel” like what He is allowing is good, I know He is.

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